I am reading the book Ulysses by James Joyce. It is 1 and 5/16 inches thick. I know 'cause I measured it. Do you know who else read Ulysses? Marilyn Monroe. Her copy seems thicker. And she appears to be nearly finished. I am only on page 50. But she's dead so she obviously finished it a while ago.

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I am practicing a 'fake' cheerleader move known as the "Fountain of Troy".

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My father has dimentia. What does your father have?

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Great! Now I've got ghosts following me. What's next?

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I bought this for several reasons:

1. It's "Ideal" for the office.
2. There's "No Cleaning or Feeding."
3. I meet the age requirements.
4. It's a crab and my wife's zodiac sign is Cancer.

BUT IT SUCKS! "Crabby" keeps trying to commit Crabicide.

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A friend of mine would not let me use an image of his REAL head, but was ok if I drew one. So I did. but its such a good likeness that now he is pissed that I am using the cartoon. Here is his cartoon head superimposed.

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These are my hockey kids passing the head of my former boss around.
His brain was as dense as a rubber puck. SLAP SHOT! SLAP SHOT! SLAP SHOT!

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This guy on the train was OCDing on his hair. So I OCD'd on making a photo essay of the event. But half way through he stopped, so I gently touched his cowlick and he started right up again.

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I did a project with these Italian guys. They were actually quite cool. But now I've turned them into meatballs.

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I am going to throw myself off the docks of the lower east side unless just one person reaches out to me in 10 seconds to tell me not to...oh shit...this isnt twitter.

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This is the coworker whose hands I whited out (see way below for the white out photo).

Now he is the King. All hail the king with the whited out finger nails.

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This is my boss' head in the shape of a hot air balloon. The two people in the basket are coworkers.

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My wife gave me the below as a snack:

FYI - this is what was inside.

This bag has been moved around in our garage for like 3 years. Thanks wife.

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Something that I just realized I am really good at is - identifying a head in a picture that would look interesting if isolated or cut out. Here is a head of Marshall Crenshaw I recently cut out of a poster. Honestly - How great is that?

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I went to a christening at a church in Hoboken. Honestly, did you ever see a more ridiculous looking saint?
Is that a flame shooting out of the top of his head?

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Here are five things I typed in youtube with no results:
1. nun shoots donkey in head with rubberband
2. man dressed as Jesus falls off gondola
3. native american sets tee-pee on fire
4. Oprah Winfrey hits single mom
5. Canadian mounty gets attacked by moose

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I am taking an abstinance pledge right now! Wait... OK now!

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I realized today that I am almost nothing that begins with the letter V. For example - I am not a:
Violinist
Valet
Veterinarian
Vocalist
Vicar
Vibraphonist
Video Editor
Video Game Developer
Violist
Vice President
Vacuum cleaner sales person
Videographer
Vascular Surgeon
Vice-Admiral
Vegetarian
Veteran
Volcanologists
Vascular sonographer
Vascular technologist
Vocational counselors
Videographer
Vocational nurse
Vending machine servicer

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Great News Everyone - The stock market rallied on March 10th, 2009. Everything is ok now so get back out there and start driving up your debt again. Thanks.

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I saw this as a headline today (3/3/09) on yahoo.com -

Bernanke: "recovery hinges on financial turnaround"- AP

Glad to know he is on top of things. See,'cause I thought that recovery hinged on spaghetti. But it doesn't. It has something to do with financial turnaround. So I think what he is trying to explain to us doofballs is that, if the financial situation reverses and things get better, then the economy will also get better. I am still not sure I understand.

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This is me asking for help.

"help."

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I think we all owe it to ourselves that if we ever should see Bjork, anywhere in the world and no matter what she is doing, to say to her in a clear and succinct voice - "Hi Bjork, welcome to Bangkok." And then run like a sissy.

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I don’t like the word casserole. I don’t even know what it means. It sounds like a crappy idea for a meal. It sounds like something to eat during the 1950s. If I went to someone’s house and they served me a casserole I would eat it and not make a big deal. But if they specifically called it a casserole, then I tell you we would most definitely have a problem. I look down on people who make and serve casseroles but most importantly who use the word casserole. Jerks.

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How is it possible that Shane, though toothless, is still alive and Kirsty is dead?
Anyway - this is the best (hopeless) Christmas Song Ever.

God Bless Us all...Everyone. And don't forget to brush your tooth.

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This is a close up of a coworkers hand. I white outed (whited out) his fingernails when he was speaking to another coworker. He still has no idea that i did this.

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Took a picture of "Where the heck is Matt Lauer?" Here he is. He looks annoyed. I felt like a dork taking his photo.

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Every now and then I take a picture of my food. I dont remember what this was. It looks like desert.

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This guy had his elbow in my face the entire ride home from NYC. I think he was a Red Sox fan coming from a Yankees game in the Bronx. He was probably Irish too. And therefore drunk as well. So I kept my mouth shut and enjoyed his elbow.

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The best way to get in touch with me would be to dress in a burka and stand in the middle of Times Square holding a big black suitcase over your head repeatedly shouting - "Death to the Infadels."